Notable quotes from our childbirth education class

"Why do I need to go to class? I already know how to pace around the waiting room and hand out cigars. That's all I have to do, right?" -- Alan, on the way to the class*

"Men, I'd recommend you not say that 'we' are going to get through this. Your wives will be quick to tell you that there's no 'we' in labor." -- Laura, our lamaze instructor

"But if you use the British spelling of labour, it's got an 'our' in it. Can I say that 'our labor is going fine'?" -- Alan*

"During the first phase of labor, I was mostly just excited about what was coming down the pipe." -- Man in childbirth video [Note: He probably said "pike" instead of "pipe," but I certainly heard "pipe," which was pretty darn funny to those of us in the room from whose "pipe" something would be coming.]

"She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes..." -- Same man in childbirth video, now during the more intense stage of labor. I immediately vetoed the singing of campfire songs during the birth of our kid, despite Alan's insistence that he does a rousing version of "Coming 'Round the Mountain" and his offer to sing My Darling Clementine instead.

"That doesn't look like a baby." -- Woman in childbirth video, upon seeing her newborn on its way out. I felt a little sad for her, and I immediately prayed that I won't feel that way, and if I do, that I won't say it out loud on tape!


* Note: Smart ass comments from Alan were often followed by a threat of violence from me, usually predicting a carefully placed hit to a particularly sensitive area that might eliminate the need for any future childbirth classes.